Top 5 Most Useless Things I bought from The Body Shop*

*of course, this is MY list, which means it is relative. Definitely, someone else has bought these product(s) and thought them the best thing since sliced bread, so please don’t come after me with a rusty axe.

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1) Thirsty Feet Moisture Socks

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These remind me of the weird shoes they used to have in Ancient China.

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You’d think they’d know better than to take fashion tips from people centuries and centuries ago, but then again people are wearing Native American headdresses for music festivals, so evidently not.

Okay, so the thing is- these are sleeping socks. You slather moisturiser on your feet, put this sorry excuse of a sock on and wake up to baby soft feet.

Which would be a good idea, if only they would stay on my feet. Given that the average shoe size is 5, you’d expect them to cater them to women around this range- they’re stretchy, after all- but noooo, it’s oversized socks for you! And you! And you! Oversized socks for everyone! 1!1!1! I wake up to dry feet in these harsh British winters (okay, I kid) and have to waste time in the morning hunting for these frustrating incompetent feet things under my duvet. Not ideal.

These socks stain too, btw, after I slathered the gingerbread body butter from TBS and now it looks like I sweat orange sweat. Wonder why they haven’t recommended any sort of foot cream that doesn’t stain to go with it?? It looks atrocious and after 3 uses I have given up and decided to use it as a very overpriced cloth to clean my mirror- which works great, in case you’re wondering.

I would recommend this only if you have bigfoot-sized feet (name practically explains itself) or if you would like to procure a glorified overpriced surface cleaner. All yours for only £7!

 

2) No More Rough Stuff Smoother

24166m_lI probably am doing this wrong but I don’t know what this is supposed to do for my feet, after rubbing them with this blue monstrosity (takes bloody ages and I just can’t be arsed to be honest) which only seems to hurt my hand.
Are they supposed to be nice and smooth? Because I sure don’t see any difference. Maybe my feet are already passably smooth and that’s why it’s not doing much.
Who knows.
I know they recommended this for elbows too but it bloody hurts and after one try I’m not doing it again. Which side am I supposed to use? The differently sized edges do come in pretty useful for smaller bits, but it’s not doing much for me. The cheap Chinese grater-like thing my mum acquired years ago worked tons better.

It’s only £4 for this sandpaper-like block, so give it a try- you may get better results than I did! The only use I’ve got out of it is observing the black mould spots on it grow and spread as I leave it abandoned on the bathroom shelf. Future microbacterial scientists, anyone?

 

3) Cooling Gel Eye Mask

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I don’t have puffy, tired eyes much and when I do, I forget to put this it in the fridge, so it’s essentially useless. I’m not walking two floors down to put it in the fridge along with my bacon and vegetables and week-old fruit and waiting half an hour then walking down again to get it and come up.
Nah.
By then I just want to sleep.

I much prefer a hot flannel over my eyes or anything warm really. I liked the hot packs from Taiwan that were chemically activated or something, you pressed this metal tab in the silicone pack that would trigger the chemical reaction and it eventually solidified into a hard crystal lump. It gave heat for hours and hours and it was amazing for period cramps and sore eyes. You then had to put it in hot water to reverse the chemical reaction, ready for the next use. It was fantastic and I cried bitterly when they started wearing away and burst one after the other after years of use.

By this if your room is next to the kitchen or if you aren’t forgetful and lazy like me. Or if you have a mini-fridge in your room. Or if you live in Canada or Russia, simply leave it next to your window.
Or if you’re channelling your inner Cyclops.

 

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4) Tea Tree Blemish Gel

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I don’t even know what I bought this for because I just bought it to try to make my order up to a certain amount to get a free bottle of shower gel or moisturiser or something. I don’t know what it’s supposed to do but I guess it’s for acne, so I used to dab it on spots. It made no difference whether I used it or not, I might as well be dabbing water on- it’s just lying at the bottom of the drawer unused. For a tiny little tube (2.5ml!!!), you’d think it’d be cheaper or at least effective. The reviews on the site rave about how it clears up spots quick, but for £6.50, I could achieve the same results with toothpaste at 1/10 the price.

 

5) Foundation Brush

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This brush is annoyingly flat, like a paintbrush, and just as streaky. Liquid foundation goes on in streaks and requires intense blending, and never quite goes right for a hopelessly makeup-noob like me. I returned it to the TBS store in despair, saying how it didn’t work out for me, and the shop assistant told me, conspiratorally, that she didn’t use it either, and told me to pick up one of the fluffier ones instead to avoid streaking.

I did take her up on her offer, but it didn’t work out much better either, and I’ve found a beauty blender works so much better.

Buy this if you love streaky foundation, lines on your face, or are a makeup expert that can make everything work for you. It’s not cheap (£12), considering how you can get a whole Real Techniques basic set for the same price, but hey, if you have money to blow, be my guest.

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I hope you enjoyed reading this acerbic, tongue-in-cheek blog post and if The Body Shop ever sue me for gross misrepresentation of their products, at least I can say I had fun writing it! *hair flick*

Of course, it’s all about finding the right products that work for everyone, in my opinion- and you unfortunately need to go through a lot of trial and error (and debt) before you find what works for you. I may not like these products, but take my advice with a pinch of salt, since I am a very bitter and sarcastic person and probably very incompetent in the use of such beauty/ body improvement products.
I always buy things on impulse without considering what I need (I bought two foot products even though my feet are alright, just because it was a 50% off sale) so yeah, there you are.

I will do a separate post on the top 5 most useful things I bought from The Body Shop next, by the way- maybe they won’t sue me after all.

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